Where is the hickey?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
