We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
We need a shit load of segways right now
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
