you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
