girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
