I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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