I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
