She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
