He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
