hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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