I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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