Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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