Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Dignity is for republicans.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
