If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
