I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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