i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
