I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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