my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
So squirting runs in the family.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
