my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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