Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
