Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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