is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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