if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
