mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
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