so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
