forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
