I'm sorry my penis didn't work
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
