So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
