next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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