If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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