Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
