haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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