Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
