Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
