so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
so let's talk penis.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
