My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
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