Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Randomize
