So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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