just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
