Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
