This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
