How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
