My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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