The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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