hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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