God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
