Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Randomize
