I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
