as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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