He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
