It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
