By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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